The Trouble of Forgiving and Forgetting
by TDFANGIRL
Summary: I wanted so much to just yell in her face but, honestly, what good would that do? I had already done so much to her that there seems to be no point of it. Here she was trying to be nice and I was here…making her feel even more guilty.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Total Drama Series. If I did, the Gwen and Courtney friendship would have stayed. **

**Author's Note: Okay, so I am new to Total Drama Fanfiction and am excited to finally be able to not just read stories but try to post one of my own. **

**Please enjoy this chapter and review! I like to hear opinions! Also, I hope no one is OOC since this is my very first. Gotta love the CXG friendship! :D**

* * *

**Courtney's POV**

"I hope you all can come," I said while managing to fake a smile.

This was going to be a night I would dread. As much as I knew I had to do this, I was not looking forward to it. It would be like swallowing medicine for me. It was something that would make me feel better and would most likely help me, yet, the taste would be bitter while trying to force it down my throat. That was what this was.

Why was I willing to do this? Why did I even care so much? Was it my need to have a friend or was it my guilt eating away inside of my broken self? I had no idea. All I knew was that I had to do this no matter how much I did not want to.

It had been awhile since _Total Drama World Tour _had ended. Now, we were preparing to have another season…or so we thought.

After the whole lava incident, we were all allowed to go back to our normal lives. Part of me was excited while the other just made me sick.

I thought I had it all back then. I had the boyfriend who I thought loved me as much as I did him, the fame that every teenager dreamed of, and the life of a star.

I had to admit that it all seemed practically perfect even when my boyfriend was getting under my skin every now and then. I wanted so badly for him to change and for him to be a better and nicer person. Maybe if he was, my parents would actually accept him and not disapprove of my choices.

I hated when my parents were not proud of me so I tried, in all of my power, for myself to succeed and be as perfect as I could. That would include the perfect boyfriend.

It also dawned on me that maybe if he _was _perfect, that Goth boyfriend stealer would leave him alone and move on with her life. I was hoping that was so.

Even though I really did like Duncan for the way that he was, he was not perfect. He could get on my nerves, yes, but that was just our relationship that we got used to. I loved being able to witness his soft side but enjoyed the rush of the troublemaker that he brought on me. I thought we completed each other in that way. He helped me to not be so perfect, despite my need to be, and I helped him to be nicer and not so crude.

Yes, it all seemed so perfect and I was ecstatic when knowing that there would be a third season, especially since Duncan and I had just made up and gotten back together _again_.

Of course, I needed to remind myself to keep my mind in the game and not let him distract me, nor that annoying girl he actually called a _friend. _It was hard but I needed to keep my mind on the prize. What did I think could have ever gone wrong in that situation?

I saw it coming. I did back in season two but, after awhile, I began to trust Duncan and knew he would never cheat on me. I was seriously wrong.

I trusted her! Just when I was beginning to loosen up more and not think so much on winning but working together with my new friend…she turned on me.

I thought we were friends! I thought that we were getting along so great. I could actually begin to understand why Duncan wanted to hang out with her! I was looking forward to going to the final two alongside her!

The moment Duncan got back in the game, something in me changed. I was upset that he could just leave without even thinking of my feelings! So, I did the only thing I could, I let him know just how I was feeling. Maybe that was a big mistake at the time; however, even when I hugged him and told him how I honestly felt, I could feel something was not right whether I had yelled at him or not.

As the words finally came out of Tyler's mouth, my heart sank and I completely snapped.

The only two people I thought I could trust in the entire world, the only two that could actually put up with me, the only two that I could feel like myself around…betrayed me. They stabbed me in the back so hard that all I could do was either be furious or want desperately to cry. I now had no one.

Sure, I had my parents but I still did not really have any friends. I could tell that they all could not stand me these days when I was around them. Which I could not understand until I had looked back at all that I had done since I started the show. I did not want to believe it but I _did_ change from the time I stepped foot on that dock. The competition just seemed to get to me. My need to win and my feelings for Duncan got to me.

That night I cried my eyes out, wishing that I never fell in love with such a creep…wishing I did not still care…wishing that I did not become friends with someone who would just go and turn on me…many wishes but none, I knew, would ever come true.

I tried all in my power to get back at them and make them pay for how they made me feel but, by the end of the day, no revenge would ever come to satisfy me. Whenever I saw them sitting together, content with their lives and giving a kiss here and there, it was like a slap in the face.

My heart hurt but I tried not to show it.

When we heard there would be a season four, I reminded myself many times not to get involved with Duncan or Gwen. I would stay strong and be on my own since it was obvious none of the people on Total Drama ever really cared too much about me. Why should I care though? The game is to win, not make friends. I learned that the hard way.

As the boat passed by Chris and did not stop, I was baffled. What was it that Chris was planning? We were all confused; however, Owen was the only one speaking while we all heard him cry, "Nooooooo!"

Now we were all staying at some stupid resort, finding out that other campers took our place. Some of us were steamed while others did not care one way or another.

Over the course of the break between _Total Drama World Tour _and now, I had finally seen season three on the screen, along with other seasons that were doing repeats. It was then that I realized how pathetic and horrible I had acted after Duncan cheated on me. Sure, I was still heart broken about it, but I had no idea I could take it _that _far.

Maybe I deserved it for all that I had done to Duncan. Maybe I deserved being cheated on and humiliated for acting like a complete jerk the whole season. I felt sorry yet refused to apologize. They were the ones who hurt me…why should _I _say 'I am sorry' to any of them? It was not like I cared about any of them anymore anyways.

On the other hand, I was beginning to feel even lonelier. No one would really talk to me except a bit of Bridgette. The rest seemed to forget about Gwen and Duncan cheating and they acted like nothing even happened.

Once, back at home years ago, my mom had suggested bringing some friends over for like a sleepover or something. Of course, her version was not the same as others. She pictured talking, helping each other with school, watching a nice show. I, on the other hand, pictured nothing but loud music, dancing, junk food, and talking constantly while laughing every now and then. Oh yes, that was something I did not like so I never once gave it a chance.

However, as I began to think…maybe that could be something that would make at least the other girls on the show see how nicer I am and we can possibly be friends. I could prove that I could still go on and be happy without Duncan in my life. If I at least had a couple of friends, maybe I would not feel so bad either.

That is when it all started. I told all of the Total Drama girls that I was having a sleepover so to meet at my room at seven but I did not give any more description than that. As much as I hated to have some kind of a party, I was starting to look forward to it once I made a list of things we could do there and what I needed. It was now said and done. I just prayed that Gwen did not show up, despite me saying that _all _the girls were welcome.

As I stalked back into my room to set up for the evening, my dread was slowly turning into a bit of excitement.

I actually think this night might not be so bad after all!

* * *

**Gwen's POV **

I could not believe my eyes. Courtney, of all the people, was throwing a party and inviting _all _of the Total Drama girls.

It was a surprise because, back when we were friends, she told me she hated parties. That was just another thing we had in common. We both thought that it was not our thing…so why was she having one? Better question, why was she having one and inviting people she could not stand?

Most everyone was lying out near the pool of the new resort talking to one another, relaxing, tanning, or swimming. It had actually not been so bad.

I was not looking forward to doing yet another season, especially with certain people. I had nothing against Courtney, despite her trying to almost kill me and sing bad stuff about me, but I just did not want to be around her any more. I know what I did was wrong but doesn't she think that it is time to let go?

In _Total Drama Action _I could tell that Courtney would never be able to trust me. I told her many times that Duncan and I were just friends, which was the truth, but she still did not believe me. I mostly just let it go after awhile.

After the season had ended and we got on with our semi-normal lives, people still continued to talk about Duncan and I being a couple. I told them that there was no chance but they persisted.

Once hearing of the news that Courtney and Duncan broke up, I was shocked and could not believe she would just let him go like that! Obviously, she did not treat him very well but he still loved her all the same. It was after that incident that I come to realize…I was having feelings for him. I already was slightly attracted to his looks and had fun hanging out but with him always having Courtney with him, I never once considered us being more than friends. It was a big mistake to think of us being more as friends though.

Courtney and Duncan got back together in an instant but I learned to keep my feelings to myself. It was not like I was_ in love _with him. I just knew that I had a small crush on him. It was hard not to.

Right before _Total Drama World Tour _started, my feelings for Duncan increased every time I thought or saw him. To be honest, I wished it didn't but it did. I could not control the way I was feeling for much longer.

Duncan eventually quit the season, which I was disappointed about, and a new friendship came out of nowhere.

I was on a team with Courtney. I was not looking forward to that after seeing last season and what happened on the pyramid. However, Courtney turned out to be nicer and cooler than I ever thought she would be. She was not _as _bossy as before but she did have her moments. As the season went on, I was missing Duncan more…but having Courtney around, made me almost forget about him completely. We helped each other through the challenges and got to know each other more. I realized just how much we really had in common.

My missing Duncan did change but my nervousness about my feelings slipping out to Courtney increased the more we became friends and started to mention him.

I was hoping to settle it all after the season was over. Maybe I could forget about him or Courtney would be my friend enough to just be done with him and not care if I had him. I knew that would only be in my dreams but there was always hope…and time. It turns out that I had less time to think about my feelings for Duncan than I thought.

The happy feeling inside myself when Duncan came back was overwhelming. I was so excited yet deep down, the guilt of liking my friend's boyfriend was slowly eating away at me. I know I was not supposed to be _that _happy but I could not help it. I really did miss having him around.

Having Duncan back was just making everything worse no matter how much I enjoyed seeing him again in the game. I did not know what to do at this point.

Then the moment came. His lips…those lips…puckered as his face came closer to mine.

The pain on my sunburned hand that he grasped was numbing as my thoughts were racing.

Here I was. The boy I had a crush on was about to kiss me just like I really did want. How could I think straight and so fast?

As his lips puckered, I did the same and kissed him back.

It was not until after I did it that, that I realized what I had done. I kissed my friend's boyfriend! I was so caught up in the moment. I had so little time to think about anything else but the mo-hawked boy in front of me that I just took the chance without even thinking of Courtney's feelings. I felt nasty. I felt like such a horrible person yet…I loved the kiss. I liked Duncan a lot but knew it was wrong.

I needed to tell Courtney what had happened but I was nervous. I was nervous for how she'd react….how would she react? Would she be furious like before? Would she cry? I seriously doubt that she'd say 'Really? That is great! I knew you two would be together! You can have him!'

I was also nervous as to what she would do to Duncan or if she would even want to be friends anymore. I knew we were not friends for very long but I cannot say that I did not have fun with her. I actually liked her being my friend. The only problem was that I had feelings for _her _boyfriend and that I _kissed_ him behind her back.

The worst thing is that it was not a secret. Tyler saw what had happened and it would take no time for him to tell someone…then Duncan would kill him…if Courtney did not kill Duncan first.

Everything seemed fine in the morning when I talked to Courtney about Duncan's return. After awhile, I still felt as guilty as ever for what I did to her. No, she may not have deserved him or treated him right but I do not think that she deserved to be cheated on. I should know what it was like when Heather kissed Trent…and Trent was not even my boyfriend yet back then so this could end up being worse for her. I was not even friends with Heather at all when she did that with Trent.

As Alejandro told Tyler what to say, I became a bundle of nerves. I was preparing myself to sit Courtney down and tell her about it later or for Duncan to break up with her first…not for Tyler to make things worse by making it seem like we would never tell her about it!

I could see the hurt, the pain, the fire in her eyes. I wanted to say something but I did not know what I could say that would make things better. Before I knew it, everyone was ganging up on me, wanting me voted out. I did not blame them though. I would have deserved the karma.

It was not until later that I tried to hide my guilt and to focus more on the game. Courtney was still furious with me as she swore revenge. I knew Courtney could be crazy but…revenge? After that, I wanted to just get rid of Courtney before she had the chance to do anything. I know getting her out was the last thing I should have been doing but I felt like I had no other choice. Eventually, my karma did come to bite me…hard.

I admit that I was angry some at Courtney for a while since Duncan seemed to care about her again (I later found out he was joking) and she would not stop trying to get back at me. I got over it after some time though and just tried to ignore her.

Now, I was just waiting for Courtney to be done with her "revenge" but it seemed like she never was throughout the entire finale. Now, she was done with words and revenge and just avoided Duncan and I. She practically shunned us.

My relationship with Duncan has been great; however, it is still hard just to ignore Courtney after what I did. I wanted to say I was sorry but with how she reacted when Duncan tried to say it when she broke up with him, I figured I should not even bother. The worst thing I could do was remind her about the incident and the possible pain.

"Can you believe that?"

I shook the memories out of my head as I turned my head towards Leshawna.

"Since when does that girl want to throw a party and invite all of us?" She questioned aloud as Lindsay and Beth were sitting near her.

"I know. That does not sound like Courtney at all," Beth responded as she sat down on the concrete, dangling her legs above the surface of the pool.

Leshawna let a chuckle escape her lips, "Knowing her, it would probably end up being some quiet sleepover."

I cocked one of my eye brows as I sat upright in my chair, "So, are any of you going?"

"Uhh…" Beth gave an uneasy look, "I don't know. She is pretty bossy and I doubt she would throw a fun party…"

Lindsay nodded in agreement, "Yeah, she would probably suck the fun out of everything we would try to do."

"Well, I'm busy tonight so I can't come anyways," Leshawna informed us as she placed her sunglasses over her dark eyes.

"I think I'm just going to just stay up here instead of going to her party," Lindsay stated, "We did not exactly get along in season two as it is."

Beth bopped her head, indicating that she was not going to go either.

Wait, was no one coming to her party? I mean, I guess I should not care after she tried to hurt me so many times but…someone is actually going, right?

"You're not going, are you, girl?"

I gazed at Leshawna as she spoke and rolled my eyes, "Worry not. I'm not into parties and I doubt she would want me there anyways."

"I don't think anyone will be going then."

"What do you mean?" I stared at her quizzically.

"Sadie and Katie are going somewhere tonight, Eva is not going, we're not going, Bridgette has a family thing she has to get to, and everyone is pretty much busy or knows better than to go to a party Courtney would throw," Leshawna explained.

I nodded, showing features in my facial expression that showed I did not care.

Deep down, I did feel kind of bad that Courtney was going to throw a party and no one was going to show up. At first, I could not understand it but…after some of the things she did back in the other seasons it was starting to make sense.

Some of the girls seemed to feel a bit bad about not going but then justified their acts with the fact that it was _Courtney _and it would probably not be so much fun after all.

I know Courtney was a jerk and would probably not appreciate me, the one person she cannot stand, to be the only one going. On the other hand, maybe she did deserve to have a party with no one showing up…still, after the way I betrayed her, was it right just to let her feel like no one cared enough to come?

I never thought I would actually care about Courtney's feelings and our past friendship after the events that happened but, somehow, I do.

If I do go, would she even let me in? She could just scream at me for even trying to come. So, why should I even bother?

* * *

**Courtney's POV**

Food? Check. Games? Check. Movies? Check.

I think I have everything set for the party.

I smiled proudly to myself while shooting my head back at the clock near by bed.

My grins faded.

Was it really five minutes after seven already? Where is everybody? It is not like it takes that long to get to my room.

I sat down on the edge of my bed, scowling angrily.

They are probably just all late. Wanting to fool me or something! I guess I deserve that. Well, I can play that game too! The longer they are gone, the less stuff on my list they get to do! So, the joke is really on them.

Five more minutes had passed and there was still no sign of anyone.

I lied flat down on my bed in boredom.

Where were they?

Ten more minutes passed.

I was now sitting up on my bed once again, finally giving up all hope as I stared down at my legs, gloomily.

I should have known better.

It has been twenty minutes passed seven and they still are not here. They are probably not coming. I knew I messed up.

I tried to remind myself that I did not need any of them anyways. Still, I at least thought a couple of people would show up.

Part of me had to blame myself for acting like a jerk…but, yet, I was the victim last season. I was the one who had her heart broken, her boyfriend cheating on her, and her friend stabbing her in back. So why was it that no one came? Didn't they know how lonely I really was?

There was times I tried to hold back some tears. Thinking of all of that just depressed me. It made me feel so unwanted by everyone. It made me feel like I had no one who would actually care about me no matter what I did. As much as I wanted to stay strong, it was getting hard to do that lately.

That was when I heard something. Was that a knock?

I leapt to my feet as fast as I could, sprinting to the door excitedly.

I halted. What was I doing?

I changed my smile into a frown instantly as I opened the door, "It's about time! You're la-"

My eyes grew wide in surprise as the figure standing in my doorway was the last person I would have expected it would be.

What was she doing here?

"Uh…hey Courtney," Gwen said with a nervous smile.

I scowled but was still confused as to why she was standing there.

I wanted to slam the door in her face but my curiosity and a bit of loneliness got the best of me.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed in annoyance.

I could tell Gwen was trying not to take my reaction badly, "I came to your party."

"Ha! I thought you said you weren't a party person?" I narrowed my eyes.

"I could say the same thing about you."

I ignored her comment, "Look, I know I said all of the girls but I should have made it clearer that it did not really include a boyfriend stealer. So, if you do not mind, I am waiting for other guests to arrive."

Gwen heaved a sigh.

Why won't she just leave already?

* * *

**Gwen's POV**

As badly as I wanted to just leave, I knew I could not. This would be my chance to talk to her about what happened.

I wanted to just leave her alone since that was obviously what she was wanting but…I needed to get this off my chest. At least I would be clean of what I have done.

"Listen, about what happened on the show-"

"I said that you can leave now," She snapped while glaring.

"Not until you hear what I have to say."

"I could always just shut my door, yah know?" She replied with harshness in her voice.

"Look, can you just give me a few minutes to explain? You obviously are interested since you haven't even slammed your door in my face _yet_."

She thought about it then conceded, "Fine," She muttered irritably.

Here it goes.

"I should have thought about how you were feeling before kissing Duncan. Before moving anywhere with Duncan, I should have talked to you first. I just did not have much time to think when he got here. We were both planning on telling you about the kiss-"

"But you didn't."

"I know. I did not think about your feelings whenever I did that. I know what I did was wrong but I did not want to just throw away our friendship because of Duncan. I do not think I deserve any more hate then what I have already gotten though just because I let my feelings for Duncan control me a bit. I made a mistake by kissing Duncan without talking to you and… I'm sorry."

I stared up at Courtney as her face was expressionless.

* * *

**Courtney's POV**

Did she really mean it? Is she really sorry for what she did? Did she even really know how badly she hurt me?

"Well?"

She looked confused as she responded, "'Well' what?"

"You think you can just come up here and say you're sorry? After what you did?" I hissed, glaring furiously at her but showing sadness in my eyes.

She looked as if she was ready to just forget it and leave but she stopped herself.

Her eyes met mine as she finally spoke, "I said I was sorry for kissing Duncan. What more do you want?" Her words came out bitter this time as she frowned.

I honestly had no idea what more I wanted. I just wanted Gwen to feel bad for what she did to me…for her to understand what pain she and Duncan caused me.

That was when I could not control myself any longer. I just let it all out without thinking over my words carefully.

"Do you have any idea how hurt I was?" I took a deep breath as my anger slowly changed into sadness, "You two were the only people I actually thought cared about me despite how mean I could sometimes be. I put my trust in both of you and…what do I get? You both betray me. I was heartbroken. Because of what happened, I felt like I had no one. Then you go the next day, smiling with him and flaunting your relationship in my face. Now you come and say sorry after hurting me so much?"

"…I wasn't trying to flaunt anything in your face. I didn't know how hurt you were and I didn't know that you were so alone…"

"Why do you think no one showed up to my party? !" I shouted, trying to be strong but failing to do so.

Why did I have to tell her that? I'm supposed to look like I'm happy but now I have her probably feeling sorry for me!

"Well, maybe it was the fact that you were so bossy and rude to everyone that they thought the party would be no fun! Courtney, I apologized for what I did. I feel bad about it, okay? But you treating others that way had nothing to do with me."

I stared at her in disbelief.

She was right. I was still blaming her when she is only responsible for herself and a bit of Duncan, not _everyone. _It is my own fault that no one else is here. How was she to know what my life was like if I haven't told her until now? Maybe if I would have told her before, she would not have kissed Duncan and we would have been friends…just maybe.

I wanted so much to just yell in her face but, honestly, what good would that do? I had already done so much to her that there seems to be no point of it. Here she was trying to be nice and I was here…making her feel even more guilty.

"I know," I let out a sad sigh, "It was my fault. I was too competitive. I was too bossy. I was not even thinking of anyone else but myself…I know I did not deserve Duncan. It serves me right for trying to push him around and change him. I was the one who drove him away towards you. Maybe if I had not have been that way, we would still be friends and Duncan and I would still be together. I was just very hurt and furious that…I just snapped and went crazy on you. Trying to make you pay for what you did."

Come on, Courtney. Just say it…

"I'm…sorry," I managed to say.

It was all silence. No word was spoken for at least three minutes.

What now? What must she be thinking?

I looked up at Gwen, who finally gave a friendly smile.

"Truce?"

I smiled back at her lightly, "Truce."

We hugged one another in a small embrace. Once releasing, I looked at her.

"So, do you think you…want to come in now and have that party?" I questioned her, smiling some with hope.

"Sure," She replied as she walked into my room, "…Just no lists."

I gave a small scowl but let out a chuckle, "Okay. Deal."

* * *

**I have no idea whether no one would show up at Courtney's party or not. I figured some would which was why I had a few say that they were busy and had to do something. I feel bad that I had no one go but it had to flow with the plot. I know this is probably not the best but I tried! Please review with honest opinions! I still need to work on some of the characters. But if anyone likes this one-shot, I may make one that shows there little sleepover/party if people want me to. Just let me know! **


End file.
